A fan fiction im working on

Just something i thought i would post to get feedback on my writing… Let me know your thoughts on how I could improve…

Disclaimer: Destiny is owned by Bungie. Most of the characters in this are my own, and the story is fully my own. Just to be sure that I don’t get in trouble for not crediting the original creaters of the franchise

Man, with their mastery of war thought they were alone in the universe. But when it first arrived on the surface of Mars, mankind stopped fighting amongst themselves and began to marvel at the wonders of the universe. But when man gets to full of themselves, well, just look at Icarus. Then, for centuries humanity faced the punishment for their hubris. Scattered in small camps and towns, humanity now resides as a mere shadow of what it once was. . .


The snow fell though the wind, almost like it wanted to get away from the robed figure in front of him. “It’s been a long time, my friend," the figure said, overlooking the mountains from the cliff they were standing on, not turning to face him. “Not long enough, if you ask me.” he said, pulling his neckerchief up slightly to keep his face warm and placing his hand on the holster for his piece, gold lining the top of the barrel with a smooth hammer. The figure sighed, bowing his head slightly, turning to face him. “If that’s what you think, why did you come here?” the figure asked, their voice being distorted through their helmet. “I got your message.” the man in a cloak said, tossing a helmet that was domed on the front, a chunk missing with a jagged object protruding from it, like a metalic thorn.

The robed figure just chuckled, pulling out a handgun that looked like it was covered in metallic bones, black tendrils seeming to be waving off of it like mist. “I knew you would know it. You were there when I found this prize…” the robed figure said, looking over his cannon, covered with thorns, almost hungirly, before pointing it at the cloaked figure.

“You know the fate of those that wield these cannons; and I’m sorry Jason, but this is where you fall.” the robed figure said, pulling the trigger lazily, the hammer about to strike the next shot, a loud metallic clang breaking through the snowfall, birds flying off in terror from the trees…

Chapter 1: Revival

High up in the mountains of stone and rock, few dared travel into them for fear of collapsing cliffs and rockslides. Even the Fallen were hesitant to explore on foot. The high lead concentration in the rock made most types of scanners useless, but that didn’t stop a small white object from exploring. Off in the distance, a loud howl could be heard and the white, star-like object turned, seemingly worried.

"There has to be something around; the highlands had nothing for me…" The object complained quietly, not wanting to be discovered. "After I talked to those nice people down at that camp down in Estes Park, I thought I would have found something able to wield its power. Maybe that cabin they mentioned has someone…" As it said this, I flew over near a massive ledge overlooking a great valley, a Fallen Ketch on the other side. It made a mental note to himself to avoid going too close there; he might be somewhat shielded to scanning tech, but one can still see something if it actually looks around.

¨What are you doing out here, little light?¨ a voice asked from behind the floating object, a cloaked figure seeming to have just melted out of the shadows. ¨The only ones that are out here are the lost and those still grasping at straws,” the figure said, holstering a silver gun with a feather engraved on the side of the barrel. “Looking for my guardian…” the star shaped object said, tilting its shell to have a suspicious look. "What’s a Nightstalker doing out here? Shouldn’t you be over in old Russia dealing with the House of Devils?” the object asked, looking at him from head to toe, trying to seem intimidating but failing miserably.

"Ghost, the Guardians already deployed there have it covered; lets just say i heard some reports of a rather high concentration of solar energy in the area by, and I’d check if it was something the Fallen cooked up that needed to be destroyed or disabled for a while.” the Nightstalker said, removing his helmet for a moment to look around. “Would’ve just done a fly-by as well if they didn’t have this place locked down the way it is, but that’s just the way it is…” he said, taking a deep breath of the mountain air before putting his helmet back on.

The “Ghost,” as it was called, looked a little surprised, but made a bit of sense given how the mineral composition of the rocks that were around were. “Where?” it asked excitedly, bobbing in the air with its eye giddy with the prospect of seeing if there was a person he could revive there, but stopped and thought about it for a second. “Wait, how accurate are those reports? Because the fallen don’t really rely on solar energy, it’s more arc that they use…” it asked, going back to looking sceptical.

The Nightstalker just laughed at the Ghost’s excitement, before seeing movement on his hud that seemed to be coming from behind. “Get down.” he said, before pulling his gun and vanishing into black mist, with a few gunshots heard nearby, the Ghost wincing each time he heard a gunshot. After a few minutes, the Nightstalker returned, reholstering his cannon as he did so. “Gotta get moving; that was just a scouting party, so a Barren can’t be far behind. . ." he said, taking a quick look back, the Ether from the Dregs and Vandal corpses trailing off into the wind.

The Ghost bobbed its head in acknowledgement, following the Nightstalker through the forest, keeping itself close to the undergrowth to not be sniped by a wire rifle.

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requires minor spelling and grammar changes, lacks interesting hook to those who know of dregen yor, confusion on the prologue paragraph, is this the past? future?, a flashback? villain into?

overall rating 8.5/10


I was only going to have the warlock in the prolog be a shadow of yor, sence, you know, the Beggars Gulch incident…

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good, please continue

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Solid style-wise. One big quibble, one little. Big - When you have dialogue, anytime a new character begins to speak, you should start a new paragraph. Little - You missed capitalizing Guardian one time.