Ayane Takanome searches for answers to her past and learns that they may decide the future.
I wrote this story because I fell in love with the idea of this character, but can’t see Bungie ever getting around to exploring her story.
Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Didn’t have time to read all of it now and will comment more later but I have noticed a couple of mistakes. One, I was unsure whether or not the first weapon she picks up was from a dreg. It doesn’t quite make sense calling it a pistol if it was from a vandal because then it would have been a rifle. Also when she changes weapon to a rifle why was it lying on the floor? Two, a ketch is a very large and powerful ship and each Fallen house only has one or two. I assume you meant a Fallen skiff. Great work though! I really love the way you gave attitude straight at the begining. Keep up the good work and I’ll let you know if there’s anything else I noticed when I’ve finished reading it.
Thanks very much for taking the time to read and comment. I haven’t heard this feedback before. The first weapon is a dreg pistol that she wrestles from the dreg that she uses as a shield. The second is a wire rifle that the vandal drops when she shoots him in the gut with the dreg pistol.
I was intending for it to be a ketch. I realise that skiffs are more common, but in D1 ketches appear quite frequently, such as with public events. So I’m thinking this is OK.
Thanks again. I’m looking forward to any other feedback you’ll have, if you’re able read some more.
That’s interesting that you think Ketches in D1 are common. I have only encountered one or two. Read the second chapter. The word leaped in the second sentence should probably be leapt. It is quite exciting but I feel you should describe what the enemies look like. Another note is that as far as I know only stealth vandals can go ‘invisible’ captains don’t do that. I like the way you bring Cayde-6 into it. Makes him like likable.
There are some stealth Captains in D1. For example, I’m pretty sure the Silent Fang had at least one Captain that could cloak.
Yes, this turns out to be ‘the Fang’. There are probably a few more things like this, which may seem odd at first, but will be explained as you read the later chapters.
The point about describing enemies more is well taken. The problem for me is I’m a bit of an obsessive describer, so I’m trying to find a balance where I can create a strong visual and keep the story moving. Of course, you’ll be the judge of whether I got it right or not
I’m glad you find Cayde likable here. He’s such a fun character to write for.
Thanks again for taking the time.
I just wanted to mention that if this is to be a story about Ayane Takanome and her previous formation of the Takanome rangers, Ikora wasn’t the Warlock Vanguard yet, Osiris was.
Other than that, I’m really enjoying the story.
Thanks very much for reading and taking the time to comment, I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying it so far.
The story begins at the time of D1 Vanilla and Ayane awakes as a Guardian, a long time after her human death and the time of the rangers.
I’d be interested to hear if you think all the characters in the last flashback in chapter 9 could have existed in the same time.
I’d say that pretty much all of the characters in chapter nine and ten may have very well been alive, and I really like the inclusion of Cayde-2, even though there is no real solid evidence that the number is the times they were reset (though I’d like to think so), I appreciate the incorporation of the theory into the story.
Phew! Thanks again for taking the time.