Ch.15 The Truth

Community creations
#1

First off, I wanna say sorry for disappearing on y’all, although I know not many of you read my stories, but for those that do and care for them, I just wanna say thanks for being here! Now onto what you wanted.

Epiales and Eki were camped out in the hills near Sojourner’s Camp, scouting the area for Red Legion activity.
Epiales: Spot anything?
Eki: No…you?
Epiales: Nope, I wonder where they went.
Eki: Don’t question what’s given, just take it, let’s go. Redjack squads 3 and 4, flank the left, 1 go in the back, squad 2, you’re with us. Move out!
Everyone starts moving towards the encampment when a crack is heard throughout and a flash lights the sky as a giant mortar blast comes down on the second Redjack squad.
Eki: Everyone move! They have support on the left, squads 3 and 4 head over and deal as much damage as you can!
Epiales: And what’re we gonna do?
Eki: Their main camp is just about 2 kilos right of the middle, we’re gonna pay them a little visit.
Epiales pulls out his assault rifle and nods as he follows Eki
Epiales: Eki! Legion squads up ahead!
Eki quickly guns down the Psions
Eki: Keep pushing! Base is up ahead!
Epiales reaches the base entry first and tries opening it
Epiales: Keypad isn’t working, what’re we gonna do next?
Eki pulls out a small brick of C-4
Eki: We blow the damned thing open.
Eki places the C-4 on the door and detonates it, destroying half the door.
Epiales: Alright, you got the map?
Eki: Yep.
Epiales: Let’s head on in then.
Eki and Epiales run through the base with the Redjacks in search of the survivors.
Epiales: Radars picking up people up ahead, 3rd room on the right.
Eki reaches the door first but finds it locked.
Eki: Epiales i need you!
Epiales: What?
Eki: The doors locked and i used our only charge on the main door.
Epiales: Damnit…step back…
Eki: What’re you gonna do?
Epiales: Something i don’t want to.
Epiales holsters his rifle and holds his hands out.
Epiales: Take my advice and back up.
Eki: Alright…
Eki and the Redjacks back up as Epiales blast open the door.
Eki: What was that?
Epiales: Something, now go, i’ll be right behind you.
Eki runs ahead and screams as she falls to the floor
Epiales: Eki!
Epiales jumps up and runs into the room as he sees a blinding light…then nothing.
(Authors note: Sorry if this story is a bit dead and repetitive, i promise the next chapter will be better and actually be a story XD)

#2

Good chapter man, I can’t wait for chapter 16 to be released

#3

PREPARE FOR MY SCATHING REVEIW! MY FRIENDLY BUDDY CHUM PAL BROTHER AMIGO FRIEND!

wait i should start from the beginning… the story isn’t gonna make sense… whatever

first off a rather odd style I must say, I was going to make a remark that it may be hard to describe areas but you handled that well, though I do think you need more imagery as with the style you’ve written dialogue in I had trouble getting immersed.

Overall 5/10 didn’t hate it, has potential, I BELIVE IN YOU!

#4

To add on to what our good friend/buddy/chum/pal/brother/amigo (sorry, I couldn’t resist) Aaetheon said, changing it into more of a paragraph layout might make it easier to read as a story because to me, this looks like a script for a movie or something like that and it’s a bit hard to get immersed when a story is written like this in my experience at least.

Alrighty, enough with what I think you can change, let’s get to what I really liked. To start with, the story is great, definitely worth reading. I especially liked the use of Redjacks because I feel that they are underused for stories and you worked them in well to yours.

Overall I’d give it a 7-8/10, there’s room to improve but it’s a very solid concept and mostly well implemented. Good job! Remember to keep experimenting with different writing styles/techniques to find what suits your story best.