Fan Guardian Story: The Zealot

Note that this story is a work in progress story and i’m Simply posting it in an unfinished state for feedback

The Zealot

By Just a Shadow

Two people struggle to climb up a snow covered mountain. The sky is both white and red while the snow itself has blood in it at some places. As they are climbing they hear constant crunching underneath their feet. After a day of struggling up the mountain one of the people reach down and feel under the snow with their hand and feels something odd. What’s under the snow wasn’t jagged rock but something smooth “any idea what is under this snow?” He asks the other person “nah, do you? If you don’t just scoop up a piece of the ground and check what is under the snow” the other says. The first one then scoops up a piece of the ground and almost stumbles off the mountain side because the ground they were standing on he found out was all made of bone. “Who’s mountain is this again?” The other asks trembling because of what he’s standing on. “I don’t remember but I know this mountain is the place of one of the largest massacres in history” he replies. “Are ya sure it wasn’t a genocide with the millions of bodies it would take to make a mountain of bones that goes up this high?” The other one says. They then continue up the mountain until they reach the top which to their surprise and horror is a plateau that has a throne made of both vex tech and bones. The man sitting on the throne stands up. He seems to be a strong vex mind, he has the height and proportions of a 7’0 human guardian but he’s obviously vex because he looks exactly like a vex just with human proportions. In his right hand is a large sword made of vex parts and it’s drenched in human blood. His head had one large eye in the middle just like any other vex. However he wore a cape that was interesting and unnatural because it was transparent blue making it look like it was made of constantly flowing Knowledge. Before the men decided to speak they looked around a bit more and see around 50-60 vex Minotaurs and goblins bowing to him like in the past people saw the vex bowing to the heart of the black garden. Unlike the rest of the mountain the sky about the plateau was golden and angelicly shining down on the vex making them look a lot more good than evil that vex are supposed to be according to humanity. Infront of the main vex mind were three vex Minotaur equivalents of what a field marshal would be in the covenant army in halo (yes I know no one in destiny would know what that is but it’s a reference for the reader not for the characters). The Vex only notice the travelers because they hear the crunch of bone underneath their boots. The vex mind points at the travelers and nods to a Minotaur whom picks up the travelers and carries them over to the vex mind and sits them on their knees in front of the vex mind. The Vex mind looks at the travelers and then states “look at these pathetic ants who have disturbed my speech, it seems they don’t know what manners are” in a manner that seems like he’s both laughing at them and angry at them all at the same time. “Well it doesn’t matter because I’ll simply end you and absorb your memories” the vex mind states which is replied with “what? Absorb memories?” From one of the travelers. “Yes absorb memories, I am a vex mind after all, my purpose is to gain knowledge and the easiest way to do that is absorb the memories of those I end the life of” the vex mind states with a bored tone. “If we are going to be killed anyways mind explaining who you are?” The other traveler asks “being as you are so respectful with your question and it can be considered as a last request I will explain who I am “ the vex mind says before motioning to a vex Minotaur who walks up to behind the travelers and points his guns at their heads. “Now I am Reksis, the currently master Vex Mind with the title of Zealot of the Looking Glass” the vex mind states before turning away and the Minotaur shoots the two travelers killing them.

A man wakes up in the woods, his ghost floating over him. “You’ve been dead for a long time” it states as the man is taken aback by the fact that this small floating orb can speak. The man then proceeds to stand up but fails to do so and collapses back to the ground because he is still regaining his breath after being resurrected. “Can you stand now?” His ghost asks as it has been five minutes since resurrection, the man replies with “yes, I can stand now” as he slowly lifts himself to his feet. “Every guardian chooses a new name for themselves and some even their ghosts, what one do you choose?” His ghost asks with which he swiftly replies with “My name will be Reksis and you will be Kaid”. “Hmm, I like the sound of kaid and Reksis, now shall I lead you to the last city?” Kaid asks which Reksis replies within 10 seconds with “yes I would like to visit this last city of yours Kaid”. Before they left the woods reksis picks up a sword cane that was next to him when he woke up. After about a month of walking on foot Reksis finds a fallen dropship where he walks up to the fallen. At first they point their guns at him waiting for him to make a move but what throws them off guard is when Reksis says “hold on now, calm down, I just need a ride to the other side of the planet” in eliksni. Because of his surprising linguistic skills the fallen from the dropship take him to Russia and drop him off right outside the city wall.

alright, generally could use some more adjectives and descriptions of scenery, dialogue between characters is uninteresting and needs work (also who remembers that a mass homicide was committed on this mountains but not who owns it, its like knowing the Nazis killed millions but not knowing who Hitler was, though I guess its the dark ages so info could be rare, still the point stands),
I’ve already said this but I need a decent mental image of whats happening to be interested, tell me whats at the top of the mountain in great detail, describe to me the ghastly half vex glaring down on our unknown characters, so on. (two things here: how long has my dude been sitting up there, was he sleeping or something? 2: how do you tell if someone is “Obviously vex”, I mean Asher Mir’s got a vex arm but I wouldn’t consider him vex) also how do our travelers know he is a strong vex mind? have they encountered one before?

try to have less “And’s”.

Thought he was humanoid, though vex are bipedal they are anything but human

who approaches a robot dude on a mountain made of bones with a sword covered in blood… any sane person would bolt at the sight of that, if not at the realization of the bone mt.

pt.2

dialogue is still boring and im pretty sure Reksis is a cabal or fallen name, I’m 90% sure Reksis Vaughn is a strike boss or something similar.
… dude when have speaking a Pirates language helped and who dies with a sword next to them in an age of guns?..

Consensus: Badly needs some interesting char dialogue as well as scenery descriptions, flesh out the villain a bit more, and be a bit more believable

They didn’t turn back because they had already gone too far, as for the villain the beginning is only a glimpse into the future but i’ll See what I can do

They assume the strong vex mind because of the mountain of bones he’s standing on, they know he’s vex because it says he is vex but just a more human like proportioned vex

  1. fair enough but i would still run like hell, and probably fall of the mt

… boi can in book characters read your writing? :rofl: BOI, ether way try to consider what I’ve said when editing, been too damn long since I’ve had a CC to review

But yes I will fix as much as I can

Question is this version better than the old version?

lemme check it out, can i get a list of things changed?

Haven’t changed anything yet I mean is the current version better than the version I had you review through dms

The first paragraph had been edited, some major things changed in it and it’s much longer than before

much of my previous advice stands, I now think that the lack of interesting world-building/descriptions can be attributed to a lack of writing style or flair, which will be built up with time, regular grammar issues, dialogue is still comparable to two walls speaking to each-other, not to mention the inhuman behavior exhibited by many if not all of the characters (which doesn’t help dialogue wise)

Inhuman behavior, please elaborate on why the behavior is inhuman

lack of much emotion on discovery of bone mt, acting almost nonchalant when they are about to die, caring about a vex mind about to kill them for “being respectful”, little to no disorientation on resurrection other than a slight stumble, responding to full “yes i can stand now” and extremely strange fallen behavior also a plothole as to how he knows the fallen language (edit) k ill focus on the first

I said the only the first paragraph has been changed the second paragraph will be changed later so don’t include the second paragraph in that yet