Starting’s the hard part. And then the writing the hard part. Then the editing and making everything make sense becomes the hard part…identifying just how ridiculously wrong and inconsistent certain part of the text are is the hard part…theres always something. But its a good start. There’s some minor stuff to fix like missing the “Age” in “Golden Age” in page 8 when talking about the city hall. Your prelude is quite short in the way that it feels short if you know what I mean. Theres talking, theres a brief mention of there being fighting, and then theres more talking.
In so far as this is fan fiction for a video game where we know what the combat is like, what the enemies look like etc. when we write we dont need to be as detailed to cover the same stuff because we already have that frame of reference, plus its clear that its just a brief thing at the start,indeed. It’s a prelude. But the combat in that scene can be given some elaboration. Experiement and see what works.
I’m currently writing my own little project, and a combat scene in mine involved an intense sniper exchange and a small melee. The style of combat was small, close, personal and gave a sense a vulnerability not through who is tougher to kill, but who is able to get the first accurate shot on target. A different style of action to anything that would occur in the Six Fronts/Twighlight Gap as a setting, but if you cover Shin Malphur and the Dwindlers Ridge saga, then this will return to a combat space that I would describe as intimate and personal. By maintaining a personal sense of the action in my piece I was also able to utilise environmental descriptions as both tension and scene building, and describe the flow of the action across locations as they were experienced. For example, a character was peering through a scope after a twig snapped, trying to find the source of the noise. The description of the area being surveyed then followed as it was seen through the scope moving across the environment, until it finally tracked onto the enemy, with personal and geospatial references established as to its location, and the duel began with additional tension coming from attention to the lighting effects, shadows etc. I had the sun shine off the enemy scope blinding him just as the first shot was taken, much like a scene in Enemy at the Gates, and real life long distance sniper exchanges like that between Carlos Hathcock and NVA snipers. The personal and environmental descriptions gave space for the drama and action to occur and also gave me some idea as I was writing it of where to go and what to do next.
Describing that an enemy such as a Fallen Vandal has four arms opens up the possibility to the reader that you might have either of those four arms utilised in any particular way during the combat. Describing that a Skiff has a turret opens up the possibility of that turret firing on the characters. Describing the lethality of the weapons gives the appreciation for their use. Giving sight and sound, touch, taste, smell can really ground the stuff you want to write without slowing down the sense of action and may even help the action to actually last with it is own tension and release cycles as your characters move between safety and vulnerability, dash from cover to cover etc. etc. whatever it is your write.
Besides this, good read, and clean dialogue (unlike mine usually) and an interesting concept to link Azzir, TLW and possiby others in the same story