Taking Chances (Character Lore)

There Oryx stood, over his head a meager health bar resides, and below stand four brave guardians, all that remains of the original six that chose to brave the Hive and challenge the Taken King. One of the Warlocks, Saiki, stands closest to the beast. There to show her utmost defiance to his tyrannical rule over this reality they reside in, his throne world. The rest of the fireteam stands ready as the monster before them chuckles his last.
He reaches his long arm out, assumably to summon more of his Taken foot soldiers. But instead, plucks the small female from the ground. She yells out as he does so, struggling before an evil energy begins to whip about her, the rest of the fireteam watches in horror. The King releases her from his grasp and she floats there, suspended by some sort of force as Taken energy begins to over take her.
Among the fireteam stands her lover, Jubi. He is forced to watch as his partner is stripped of her soul and will, as she screams and cries out in agony, frozen in pure shock, an emptiness overtaking him. The other two, Reyna Anai and Tsarcha Tekuna, look on as the lover’s souls cry out in agony. Slowly, very, very, slowly, Saiki’s firey will shall be torn from her.
It was agony, pure and awful agony as she felt her world ebb away, twisted and destroyed. Tears well in her eyes and pour down her cheeks, to feel her soul be slowly pulled from her body. Her light be eaten away like a catepillar slowly eating through a leaf. Every bite like a knife cutting down her body, shredding her. Slowly, her world goes black, leaving only Jubi. Her last sight, her final memory, the sweet before ever silence. As her last moments tick by, she whispers, “Thank you…”
She is dropped to the ground, unbeknownst to Jubi. He approaches her, trying to retrieve her before the King can act further.
He goes to her and gives her a nudge, his heart pounding like thunder in a storm, beating as rapidly as rain hitting the ground in a hurricane. Tears in his eyes as he nudges her like a dog it’s deceased owner. She soon begins to stir, for a moment Jubi’s heart flutters as the storm disperses, until she strikes him, twitching at random. He is flung back a few feet from the force as Saiki rises to her feet, slowly stumbling towards him. He backs up, muttering “no” repeatedly, refusing to believe she’s gone.
He runs up and brings her into his embrace, only to be shoved off and struck once more, he watches in horror as she approaches. Oryx sneering his awful sneer as he observes this spectacle. Saiki continues his march as Jubi backs up. Reyna speaks up, her voice somber and sorrowful, “Jubi… she’s gone…”
“No! NO!” He shouts, his voice that of a broken man, “She can’t be! Saiki! Wake up!” He charges at her, hitting her with his shoulder, she doesn’t budge as Jubi is greatly weakened in this state of sorrowful rage. She kicks him off and shoves him back, he soon rises again.
Tsarcha chimes in, his voice equally saddened, “Jubi… just put her down… she’s gone…” Jubi looks up at Saiki a cold stare, with no sign of mercy or faltering. He rises to his feet. Stumbling over to Saiki and striking her, throwing her to the ground, he pins her there, pulling her helmet off, then his own. He doesn’t care if she is gone, he kisses her one final time, before taking his prized weapon, the Last Word, and placing it on her forehead.
“In pace requisticat, I’ll see you on the other side… dear…” He says, a tear falling onto her cheek before he pulls the trigger, a cold shot rings out as hot lead enters the woman’s cranium, killing her almost instantly. He then looks up to Oryx, the empty and hollow feeling being replaced by a burning an pure rage, around him, the air crackles with void energy as his rage is converted into Light, potent Void light. In his hands crackles two growing charges, Oryx watches as he charges his own charge, an opening showing itself. Reyna and Tsarcha open fire on it, and then Jubi throws the two charges in, killing the Taken King. Once he dies, and begins to float off into the orbit of Saturn, Jubi clutches Saiki, crying for his lost love. Crying till he can cry no more. His two remaining teammates respectfully kneel behind him. As all goes silent. Only the cries of agony from the Guardian who has lost everything.

Here’s a look into Jubi! Just been itching to finally write this so I figured I should! The title is a bit weird, but makes some sense I think…? In any case, hope you enjoy! Feel free to critique me, feedback is great!

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My GOD that was beautiful. i had goosebumps reading that.

One thing. At this part of the story:

When you say that, it sounds like her will was taken in the past, and also in the present. Maybe writing something like, “Saiki’s will is taken quickly, and she is dropped to the ground,” would clear it up. I believe you were trying to say that Saiki’s will was taken quickly, rather than slowly. Just a thought.

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Actually, I was intening it to be slow, grueling, and painful for the group to watch. It’s meant to be a dark sorta thing, honestly I felt I didn’t do so well, that it didn’t really convey the feeling very well, apparently I did! Thanks!

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Oo! I have a better idea!

Maybe saying something like, “Soon, Saiki’s will would be taken. Very, very slowly.”

Then go into detail of how it felt to her.

OMG. That would make me cry.

Sorry, I fan-boy way too much about good writing ideas.

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Oh HELL yes. One sec!

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Okay. That was hard to write, the end nearly got me too… hnnnn…

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That just made it an A++ for me. Great job.

No, seriously…

That is some substantial work…

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Thanks, it means so much to me. I had always been told by a percieved friend (obviously he was NOT) that I was incompotent and frankly, bad. So it honestly means a lot when someone gives me that.

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Buuut, I gotta do a science lab, bye for now!

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Just gonna bump this because I want more people to see it ^-^;

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Thanks for doing that, it’s the only reason that I got to see this. Really great writing, wonderful story, and, like I feel like I say about everything you write, enough detail to let me see the story and feel more like a spectator then reading a story. All in all, this is really good. Nothing much to correct that I saw, but then again I’m no expert. The only thing was right at the beginning when you said, “There Oryx stood, over his head, a meager health bar resides,” I feel as if this takes away from the perspective that you have the rest of the time. One thing I think might fit better is “There Oryx stood, his body broken, his wings torn, barely hanging on to life, with four brave guardians standing below him.” I think that might fit the story a bit better then what’s there.
I’d give this a rating of 9/10. It’s really great. Keep up the wonderful work.

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That’s a fair point, I recently re-read it and noticed that and had a bit of a “eehhhh” moment. Not my greatest decision in the writing stance but it got the intended point across. I know I saw something else I may edit but I don’t remember what as of writing this.

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