So I know my last written story posted was a bit bad but it was also just supposed to be a short story so this one will be a multiple part series because I still add onto this story
Joker’s wild sets in, guardians are choosing sides and lines are drawn, a long dead human named James wakes, he has a green gambit coin in his hand, he ties some red string to it and ties it around his neck. He is specifically a hunter who is a nightstalker(way of the wraith) he has a hand cannon that is the fatebringer, he also has a small taken blight contained in a circular plastic case on his belt and a breakneck auto rifle. His armor was the invader (red accented) set of gambit prime armor. He walks to the city with his ghost which is a taken ghost(king’s fall kingslayer shell) once there he is stopped by a guardian who follows the drifter who brings James to the drifter. ‘Hey what’s your name?” Drifter asks never having seen James before “the names James, I was just resurrected by my ghost for the first time” he replies “interesting, how did you get my coin and weapons then?” Drifter asks “I don’t know, I woke up with them” he says “well welcome to the tower, I am the drifter, currently me and the vanguard are in a silent war, can I count on you to join me in battle?” The drifter says “of course, I woke up hearing your weaponry and armor so I shall be on your side” James says “good, first I need you to go to my gambit arena with my next set of guardians to stop the vanguard’s guardians from stopping gambit” the drifter replies “alright then see you later” James says as he goes to the next gambit match. In the match James is always the invader, each time he wipes out the entire enemy team and the last time he takes the taken blight he has and unleashes it sending ungodly amounts of taken at them and then once they are over run with taken he puts the blight away and goes back through the portal, the taken overrun the vanguard guardians so much that the vanguard guardians die within 2 minutes, James banks enough motes to get the primeval and kill it. Afterwards james goes back to the drifter “we kept em from learning more about gambit” he says “good job, now bout the weaponry and armor you woke up in what’s with that?” The drifter says “don’t know” James replies
“Curious, hmm do you know the legend of Dredgen Yor?” Drifter says “no” James replies “well you remind me of him, you know what his name translates to?” Drifter asks “yes, it means eternal abyss” James says “smart one eh? Well I need you to find a green orb in the EDZ” the drifter says “of course, I will get right on that” James says before leaving and going to the EDZ
better than your last attempt by far, but with no offense intended, that isn’t saying much, the whole story feels like someone reading lines from a play but there is only one actor reading both lines.
The characters have no real personality except a bare resemblance of one for the drifter in the mannerism of which he speaks.
Your writing still lacks in style but has some storytelling aspects; not really good ones though , such as the amour as a way to ally himself with the drifter (of which I note the main character has no real reason to and doesn’t act like a human when he does decide to side with him, example: if you woke up with no memory of anything and instantly found a city somehow, got to the main building and found some random guy who said the amour you were wearing was made by him, would you instantly side with him? it doesn’t make sense)
And unless your style is writing plays of course and letting the actors put emotion into the words, but this isn’t a play, its a story and the writer must build good characters to lure the readers in.
lastly, when you are rezzed, unless you are an exo you dont remember a thing, so him knowing what Dredgen yor meant makes no sense
I hesitate to give this any more than a C+
Mind you even non exos in the past remember some memories before they died so the fact of him knowing the Dredgen Yor thing from possibly reading ancient text isn’t so far fetched but great criticism
fair point and thank you! also please feel free to point out any short-sights I may of had as you just did, ill help you become a better writer and your help me become a better reviewer
Also he figured if the drifter made the armor then he must have been sided with the drifter before he died
or he bought them mate, or he found them, killed someone for them, he just assumed the most convince reason possible resulting in a plot device
He woke up with the armor on
exactly, if he woke up with them, and dont know how he got them, then it allows various reasons that he could of acquired them without any connection to the drifter
True but the first connection he made was that if the drifter made them then he got them from the drifter
which brings me back to my first point, he simply assumes that he got them from the drifter, which is a convenient plot device, for all he knows him and the drifter are sworn enemies and he wears the amour of his foes as a sign of strength
Yeah true btw once i finish this story I will post my character voxis’ story and the start of it is pretty bad but the later parts are good and it adds in a lot of my created characters and some of my PS4 friends as characters to represent them as well as my favorite 4 characters which are the ones who make a fallen house in that story
alright mate once im done with jubi’s stories and yours Ill go check it out, I wish more people posted stories, more things to improve!
Hey Aaetheon are we allowed to post cross over stories? Example: bringing a character from another game into destiny be some means
why the hell are you asking me? your the author, I just point out errors; if you need an answer though its fine by me mate. Though Baxter prefers things to be destiny related.
K , also have you read the other parts of my series of shadow’s story? I posted part 4 which is the final part last night
cant rn, will do, see ya mate!
Yep, just letting you know, do it whenever you can, have fun with life