What If destiny was set in medieval times?

By Just a Shadow

Dredgen yor was the only living member of his family’s name, while he had hundreds of soldiers under his command he was the only person of the Dredgen bloodline. Originally he was of the Azzir bloodline being he was birth named Rezyl Azzir however at a young age he had forsaken his once proud heritage in favor of creating his own bloodline. Most don’t know the true reason why he had forsaken his bloodline but I knew why, it was because his parents hadn’t liked him much and showed favoritism to his older brother Shin Malphur who was adopted. So rezyl azzir decided to leave the house of Azzir and for a while simply went by yor, the only thing he kept with himself was his signature sword, the rose which was a straight sword with special almost microscopic ridges that caused cuts to be so bad that sometimes it couldn’t be healed because of how rigid a cut was made with the sword. Eventually he came across some bones of an ancient dragon that spoke to him. The dragon said he would make yor strong in return for some of the dragon’s bones being attached to yor’s sword and so yor accepted. Yor attached the dragon’s bones to his sword which made it much stronger. It eventually became grey in coloration opposed to the white color the bones started as, also the blade had thorn like spikes on the side that secretes poison when the blade cuts into an opponent’s skin. Yor took up the mantle of Dredgen yor and he named his cursed weapon the thorn. After years spent building up an army he uses that army to kill everyone in the Azzir house however shin escaped his grasp and shin escaped to the ward house, the current head of it is jaren ward which adopts shin as his apprentice. Jaren’s sword was named the last word, it was a standard great sword but it very light because the blade was hollow and it had slits in the blunt parts of the blade so it had less resistance flowing through air which made if easy and fast to swing, almost like chained lightning. For most of his body yor wore a completely metal suit that was flexible which made it act like a hide of metal and or a second skin rather than bulky armor. He wore a green cape that draped over his shoulders to the front of his chest, his helmet was the iron companion helmet from destiny 1 iron banner however it was colored silver and it’s hair was green. Meanwhile jaren’s armor was leather and cloth, few metal pieces here and there it was very light weight and very vulnerable, shin Malphur wore the same armor when jaren died. Jaren ward and yor met on the battlefield alone, yor wielding thorn and jaren wielding last word. “A foolish knight, you destroyed your own family!” Jaren says “yes I did but I’m glad, now I can make the rules and shin or you will never beat me” yor says as they both swing their weapons however because of the design of the thorn’s spikes and the hollow blade of the last word the thorn shatter’s the last word’s blade with ease which yor then forces his blade to continue on it’s path to Jaren which it makes contact with jaren’s chest and it cuts Jaren while simultaneously secreting poison into the wound. Jaren drops to the ground with his broken weapon in hand, meanwhile yor leaves Jaren where he lay. Later shin Malphur finds jaren’s body and the sword which makes him yell “YOR I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD” in anger. 1 year later shin and yor meet on the battlefield “you were a worthless runt, you never deserved my father’s compassion” yor said “you monster! You kill without thinking, you killed millions just to fight me!” Shin says “yes and it was a great time, now your shall meet the same fate as your predecessors” yor says as he charges at shin but shin had something else up his sleeve, his body lights on fire, not the kind that would burn him but rather a mythical fire that his soul fed on. Jaren sent his blade alight and like chained lightning he struck yor’s accursed blade the thorn with his own, splitting yor’s blade like wood and also splitting yor himself like wood. The fire faded and yor lay dead with one thing left to say over and over which that whisper was “Nothing ends”


That was a great read. When I first saw the title I thought it was going to be out thoughts on it, but this took me by pleasent surpirse. It’s a great consept, and there are a couple flaws, but this is really great and very interesting. Thanks for taking the time to make this.

Nice to see feedback, I though it would be cool to see these two in a medieval version

An interesting reimagining of the Shin Malphur/Dredgen Yor enmity, but If you’re going to write long-form fiction, you really need to work on your spacing and punctuation. Without it, you’ll find many people won’t put in the effort needed to read your work.

Alright, this one however was meant to be a short thing to show as much as I could of the Dredgen and shin story in medieval times in a short space so

while I get your side, some editing would be nice

Editing where specific in the story?

well I cant specify one part, its a good idea, but the story doesn’t flow

Fair enough 20 characters

This is good, but i would split it into paragraphs instead of the big blob of words, but otherwise its good.

In concept I really think this would be really cool! However… the huge block of text annoys me a bit. I may make an edit to fix some of the formatting and the other things that are REALLY getting me but I highly doubt I will. Wouldn’t want to steal “Yor” (heheheh) thunder. With that said, (gosh I sounded like a pretentious dick in there ;o;) I will move forward with my critique.

First off the aforementioned no break in paragraphing, it’s jumbled and difficult to read at times. As Cove said, some people will just not read one huge wall/block of text with no breaks because well… it’s just difficult to look at and not accidentally lose your place eventually. Even short stories with no intention of updating have themselves in paragraph format rather than one big long paragraph. Not a huge flaw though, just something that really tends to get my goose.

As for how bloodlines work? I am not sure it’s how you are depicting it but I am pretty sure that’s not it. BUT nevertheless. I believe it would make much more sense if it were clans or something. As for the general idea of using that? It works, but I feel like having one person against the whole thing instead of Dredgen amassing an army. He was a one man army not a general of an army. He only had people following him post mortem (meaning he only had followers after he died). So that part got me, plus I think it would be much more interesting to see a man slowly pick of the Ward Clan or something through sneaky and astoundingly well thought out. I love intelligent antagonists or even heroes who utilize brains over brawn. Thorns are usually small things so what would make sense is for him to have a knife that is named “Thorn” or something but that’s a small nitpick.

As for the “dragon?” Yes it makes sense but to me as I was reading it I felt like that meant he went to the Ahamkara and I knew that wasn’t right because he was a big Hive threat to my knowledge. I would think it would have worked better for him to have encountered a witch as that would not only stay true to the lore but make more sense narratively. That or a demon which would work equally as well if not better.

As I re-read it I see another mistake, that being punctuation, a glaring lack of commas in this sentence specifically.

“they both swing their weapons however because of the design of the thorn’s spikes and the hollow blade of the last word the thorn shatter’s the last word’s blade with ease which yor then forces his blade to continue it’s path to Jaren which it makes contact with jaren’s chest and it cuts Jaren while simultaneously secreting poison into the wound.”

That is one sentence, a verrryyyy long one. One thing of big note is the fact that there are many proper nouns in this sentence and only two are capitalized. It seems very jumpy and spotty and just generally irks me. There are other places that have capitalization problems and some commas are needed here and there, but that is the most needy one I have seen. Another issue is that, Yor didn’t straight up break the Last Word, he just beat Jaren to the shot, and in this case, swing.

As for the forsaking of his bloodline/clan at an early age? I am not sure if that’s super lore accurate. But I guess I am not the greatest at staying super true to the lore either so I’ll just leave it at that, I have my suspicions but lack the evidence to disprove it so I will simply leave it there. BUT one thing that would likely be needed is the fact that he met the witch or dragon before he started to stray away.

As I near the closing the lack of breaking in paragraphing as dialogue is put really starts to hurt your flow. It’s difficult to tell whether or not Yor is talking or Shin is. Which is a really bad thing due to how tense the situation should be and how different their dialogue is. As for the allegation of Yor killing millions is a bit of a stretch, even if we are assuming that there were a lot more kills by Yor in this scenario. Hundreds seems more realistic, because no human in history has killed millions with just a weapon and their hands. No bombs, nukes, or anything like that. Even then, “millions” is like World War death tolls, the ending death toll mind you. So that’s… yeah just way too far fetched to overlook.

Now that I have pointed out what’s dragging it down, lets talk about the good! I really like this idea, it sort of takes Skyrim and Destiny and mashes them together, which sounds like a very interesting combination. I don’t think it’d work much as a game and would be difficult to pull off in writing format too. But that’s besides the point. Narratively, the biggest issues are just mistakes involving the source material and part of me thinks that Shin wouldn’t act the way he does in here, I feel as if he’d be more stoic and a strong silent type, this make him seem to me like a hormonal teen. But I digress.

The ideas expressed in this are really cool to me, with actual magic and stuff. The thought of how the swords work was also a great idea and I applaud you for it. Generally the idea is great in concept and has potential to be amazing in practice! I hope you can continue to write this and improve upon your previous ones using my critiques! Thanks for getting this far if you are still reading, I’ll give it a 5/10.


The whole bloodlines thing works like a royal family with an army of soldiers fighting under the banner of the bloodline

Well I am more referencing how real world bloodlines work. Again, I am in NO way an expert on that topic, but I still believe that it would work better as Clans or something. Because that allows for the same function without having to think about a “royal family.”

Yeah true, either way I was able to create their rivalry without bringing things like the hive into it

That’s very fair, but still. That was a pretty big part of Dredgen’s character.

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