A Short Story of Hades and his fireteam

Hey guys before I post this I want to note this is a short story, if you want more of my tales posted don’t forget to leave a comment or like and also I won’t be able to reply to things today cause I already replied too much

A fire team of 1 hunter, 1 warlock and 1 titan enters the vault of glass, the hunter was hades who was a proud gunslinger, he was snappier than most and his flaming cannon lasted longer than most, the warlock was Slade who was a deadly void walker who managed to acquire the resurrection ability that sun singers have but as a void walker, Jax was a striker titan with a knack for getting too close for comfort to dieing permanently multiple times, Hades was a Greek before he died, Slade a German and Jax a Russian. They had gotten through the Templar and gorgons with ease but when they got to atheon everything fell apart, Jax was thrown off the edge, never to return but hades and Slade suffered a worse fate, they had killed atheon however when atheon died radiolaria bathed Slade and hades turning them into vex. Slade and hades stood infront of the remaining vex and hades started a speech “kneel, I am now Hades, the Vex Mind and this Is Slade, the Vex’s Wrath, we are your leaders and we declare war on the tower” as the speech finishes slade and hades are teleported to the black garden where they both sit in thrones, hades’ throne looks like it is entirely made of constantly flowing knowledge where as slade’s throne is decorated with broken vex chassis, some spears, swords, shields, some vex heads. Meanwhile as the vex start to directly attack the city Jax wakes up in the pit, he’s in radiolaria but he’s not vex, his armor has changed from the rusted bucket it was to silver armor that could survive a punch from a Minotaur, Jax picked up his sivafied vex mythoclast and walked towards the surface of Venus through the tunnel infront of him, he gets back to the city and starts tearing vex chassis in half fighting his way to the vex conflux that’s keeping them energized.

Will you be editing this and posting to continue?

this has plot, and a good one at that, but there is no style, no flair, no sense of storytelling mate, to tell a good story one must make immersive and personable characters, whole thing just felt like one big sentence.

pros: good plot, good character ideas

cons: Little to no char lore, storytelling aspects missing, no style that I can see, lack of periods

sorry if i’m a little harsh mate, I just pointing out what needs fixing with no real empathy for the writer

Final grade: C+
Notes: seems like a rough draft of a great story, needs a lot of editing and addons

(if you want me to write an example of what I mean DM me)

1 Like

Yeah, I agree, a tad lacking of past and jumps straight into the action. Not necessarily a good way to start off a story but it can work (though usually in sequels as a continuation of the previous book/text). Plot is good and seems interesting but the characters so far are pretty two dimensional and it lacks spacing and indications of transition. But if expanded upon would shape up to be an interesting story. I have written a few things like Out of the Shadows and Twilight both haven’t been finished and Out of the Shadows has a timeskip with events I’ll fill in later on.

couldn’t agree more mate, good shit BTW didn’t get to critical of a look on those last two though, just read them

Ah, alrighty. Thanks for taking a look though Aethe! Every little bit of feed back helps!

no problem mate, but this seems to be getting bit off topic, lets let the guy wait out and respond

Got it, take your time on critiquing me if you want.

a’ight mate, ill be on it