Ghost Recording: Operation Kingsfall. First Attempt.(Fannon, character story)

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#1

Ghost Recording 1998
Guardian: Ziranah
Class: Titan

Ziranah- “Are you sure about this? I’m all for going after the King but… It feels like we’re going in half cocked, is this really the team you want to try this Commander?”

Commander Zavala- “This is a mission that is too important to wait on, These are some of the best guardians we have available. I know Sen and the others aren’t going with you, and you’d much rather have them, but this is the team you’ll take until further notice.”

Ziranah- “Alright… I’ll trust you on this… I hope you’re right and that we’ll be able to take him down. “

-Recording ends: playing next recording.

Ghost Recording 1999
-Fast Forwarding to incident-

Warlock- “Well, that wasn’t so bad!”

Ziranah- “ Keep it tight… that was just to get through the gate, we’re the first Fireteam in here so we’ve got no idea whats ahead of us.

Hunter 1.- “Sounds like a great excursion into the unknown to me!”

Hunter 2.- “I think I’m with the Team lead here… lets not get overconfident… on you Zira.”

The fireteam moves quietly through maze like structures, facing minimal opposition. Once all of the members reach a wide open chamber… they realize that theres a massive amount of Tombship movement.

Warlock 2. “… how in the blazes are we going to get to the other side of this? And whats with all the Tomb ships?”

Titan. – “I don’t know this is… well it’s not something I’ve ever seen before.”

Ziranah.- “… I think we have to use the Tombships to cross the Chasm…”

Titan.- “I think you’re right boss.”

Hunter 2.- walks over to the ledge and looks down. “… Well… we’d better notmiss any jumps because… it’s a loooong way down… I don’t think theres an end to that abyss.

-Fast Forward to Second incident-

The Screaching of thrall is absolutely deafening, wailing wizards, roaring Knights.

Ziranah.- “Three… two… one… inaudible over the sounds of the firefight go go go!” Ziranah is seen sprinting off of a platform towards what looks like a Hive Totem, sliding into position and pulling out her Sniper rifle, taking down a Knight on a raised platform.

The cycle repeats multiple times, however the gate opens, and the Totems deactivate. The fireteam continues moving forward, Activating three platforms. Angering a large Knight.

Ziranah.- “eyes up! Ghost is tagging him as the Warpriest! Ari Whatdo you know about him?”

Warlock 1.(Ari) – “I don’t know a lot! Just that he can drain our light! Don’t be in his field of vision when he uses the Blight!!”

hunter 2.- “Incomming! Thrall! Acolytes! A lot of them!

Warlock 2.- “I’m running low on Ammo! Need a second to use a Synth!”

Titan.- “Watch out! Knights in-“

Ghost.- “guardian down!”

Ziranah.- “Shit shit shit! Ari! Hang on I’m coming!”

Ari.- “I can’t get to him! Theres Too-

Ghost.- panicked voice “guardian down! Left flanks broken! We need to get out of here!”

Ziranah.- “right! Everyone prep for Transmat! NOW!”

hunter 1.- “Help! HELP! I CAN’T!-“

Hunter 2.- crawling to Ziranah’s feet. “We’re overrun!”

Ziranah.- Sunbreaker Activated, multiple sunbreake r Hammer Explosions recorded. “Hang on! We’ll get outta here! GHOST HURRY UP WITH THAT TRANSMAT!”

Ghost.- “I can’t reach the ship! We’re being blocked!!”

Sunbreaker fades

Hunter 2.- dragged out from under Ziranah’s hand by thrall.

Sudden distortion just as vitals start to become strained, bright flash.

Location identified, Throne of Oryx, Dreadnaught

Ziranah.- “No! NO NO NO!” scrambles to her feet but can’t stay up

Cayde-6.- “woah woah woah, easy there Hothead… lets get you back to the city…

Camera turns, Cayde-6, Hunter(Sen), and Erris Morn are present.

Ziranah.- “… Why me? Why save me? Their ghosts were still alive, Why not save any of the others…?”

Erris.- “Your Light was the only one I could see in the Darkness… you were the brightest. It was the best I could do with so little time to prepare…”

hunter(Sen) .- approaches and kneels down next to Ziranah. “We’ll Avenge them Zira… “

Ziranah.- -No reply.-

-end recording-

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#2

This is well made however I prefer a paragraph format as the script and audio log formats tend to be confusing and lacking in detail. It works well for creating a mysterious mood but you also have the fact that you can’t add too much detail without breaking the “audio log” format. Unless this is a video log, in that case, using the paragraph format from Ziranah’s POV would make sense. For example my story Taking Chances also deals with the King’s Fall Raid. Admittedly I have not established any connection to the other members of the team before hand, but how I describe their feelings (at least Jubi’s and Saiki’s) gives you the sense that they were very close.

I don’t think it’s a bad story per se, but it’s definitely got some improvements to be made. I would (for starters) establish who the characters are and what they mean to the MC (which I assume to be Ziranah) because otherwise their deaths mean nothing to the overall narrative. And that’s just no good. As for the first of the “incidents?” I don’t really see the “incident” part of it, mostly just the characters talking about the tomb ship jumping puzzle. The moment just seems choppy and unnecessary. It begins and ends in four lines like the briefing, which (to be fair) is more necessary as it sets the scene and what’s going on.

As for the moment when they encounter the Warpriest? It’s very rushed and confusing, it’s difficult to follow and I wish it was more descriptive. I can get the idea of what’s going on but it seems to just go “Oop looks like we woke someone from his nap” and then “AAAAAAAA EVERYTHING HAS GONE TO SHIT” and that’s… really jarring. I get that this is sort of how war works but there isn’t a buffer or any description of what’s happening other than “there’s too many” or something to that degree. Finally when she is teleported out, it is a very obvious reference to when you are pulled out of Crota’s throne when trying to steal some of his ascendant energy. What confuses me is why not only Eris (spelled with one “r”) but Cayde AND Sen are there. Sen, makes sense, he seems to be a battle field worker. Eris, sorta makes sense to be there because she is seen at the end of Regicide? But Cayde? Why on Earth is he in Oryx’s THRONE. In Forsaken he pretty clearly says he hasn’t done field work in a really long time and probably in Red War too (but don’t quote me). Eris’ statement also makes little sense due to well, Zira assumably being in close proximity. But hey, I can’t really complain there because Zira is quite obviously THE Guardian in this story. Other than that, it’s well made! I’m very sorry if this makes me seem like a jerk because that is NOT the intent. I merely want to help you become a better writer and tell your stories even better!

If you’ve read this far, thanks for taking my critique into consideration, over all I’ll leave a 6/10 I like where the story is going and I hope to see more, it’s just that it feels rushed and choppy. Mostly I just want a more concise and narratively pleasing work. It’s formatting and lack of descriptiveness just irks me too much to ignore. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.

Jubi

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#3

Thanks Jubi! I really appreciate the honesty. It was quickly written down while I was on my lunch break and didn’t really have alot if time to proof read it. I’m surprised it even got a 6 considering that amazing work of art you wrote!!

I’ll be sure to heed your advice, and do some edits. I wish more people provided critique the way you do.

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#4

It’s all good! I would say I am rather gracious with my scoring but I wouldn’t say it’s too far from the truth! Most people score based on the presentation of the content or even concept of your content however I prefer to begin at a 5/10 and give and take points based on what I like and what needs improvement. For the most part, you seem to be relatively well thought out with your plan and your story is well established and looks to be on the cusp of something great! It’s only hindered by the things I listed before as well as a few mistakes that got me here and there.

If I’m being totally honest I thought I was being too harsh on you, I felt like a condescending jerk at times even. I am very glad you liked how I critiqued you!

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